I used to think that the reason I say yes to people,  is because I am a good guy. The truth is that I was never taught to set boundaries. Healthy,  personal boundaries. 

I have known this, to some degree, for quite some time now. There’s this saying “understanding the problem is half the solution”. You see, I used to get into situations where I would end up doing something I don’t want to do, just because I couldn’t say no at the first time that the boundary was crossed. Instead of me reinforcing the boundaries, I would give the other person the green light to just step all over my personal boundaries. 

How did I end up staying married for 8 years, and had 3 kids, you would ask? Fucked up relationships with boundaries, that’s why!  I thought I was being the good guy, how very naive of me. I wasn’t a good guy when I was going along not to hurt her, I was actually being selfish. I say selfish, because it was my fear of confrontation, that made me live a lie. And ended up hurting her much more at the end, when I couldn’t take it anymore, and I had to leave. 

I have come to realise, that if I do something for someone, and I get upset afterwards about it, it would have been better if I haven’t helped them in the first place. In other words, by helping someone, I could actually be mean to them, because it leads to resentment afterwards. 

I am miles away from perfect, but I do consider myself a good guy. I try to work on myself and do what’s right, for myself, and for the people in my life. Learning to say no, in a nice way of course, is what has made me a better and more honest person/friend. I’m not there yet, but I know where I want to be, and I strive to get there. 

Honestly, when you break it down, it just boils down to plain and simple honesty. Most people don’t consider themselves liars. I remember discussing this, years ago, with a friend(acquaintance) that was known for his elaborate lying skills. I tried to be nice(pussy that is afraid of confrontation 😀) and said in a nice way that he is maybe sometimes exaggerating. He had no clue what I was talking about! And this is a guy that cannot complete a sentence without a lie.

If just for that, just for becoming a more honest, better version of myself, I left, dayenu.

Nobody wants to find themselves alone in the world, with no friends or family surrounding them. But as soon as I realised that being surrounded by family and friends, that I couldn’t be myself, couldn’t be honest, is quite frankly as if I have no one around me at tall. It might be even worse, one could argue. 

And yes, by being true to yourself, I might not be everyone’s cup of tea. But the tea that I do drink, tastes so delicious, it’s actually priseless.

A true friend is indeed priceless. I would rather be just with this one good friend, I was so blessed to meet after I left, than be with hundreds of friends and family.

And to all my friends, I’m sorry if I hurt you in the past, but I’m more sorry for the hurt I will cause you in the future, while I’m figuring shit out. 



Author: Moishy's journey

I grew up ultra orthodox Jewish and lived that life style for 30 years. Managed to leave that life behind in December '15.

One thought on “Boundaries… ”

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